


heavy

by nakimdoyu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Johnyong, M/M, Married Life, Minor Character Death, This Is Sad, i’m sorry i wrote this after a really bad day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-13 21:50:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18039698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakimdoyu/pseuds/nakimdoyu
Summary: The smallest coffins are the heaviest.Taeyong would know.





	heavy

**Author's Note:**

> I had a particularly bad day at work and wrote this impromptu twitfic. I just wanted to put it up on AO3 too. I apologise in advance 🖤

The smallest coffins are the heaviest.

 

Taeyong would know.

 

He’d carried his grandfather’s, his father’s, and his terminally ill cousin’s. 

 

But yesterday was something else, entirely.

 

It didn’t hurt his arms, but rather every cell in his body, every fibre of his being.

 

The sinking feeling in his stomach, the tightening in his chest, the pulling at his heart. He remembers them all too well, the constant stinging behind his eyes never lets him forget.

 

One month was both too short and too long. 

 

Not enough time holding her close to his chest, caressing her soft hair, and holding her tiny fingers, but more than enough that she was his whole world.

 

 _Their_ whole world.

 

She had been since the day Seulgi told them about the two lines.

 

The first night back in their own bed feels so cold, so lonely. Even with the heater turned up so high and a comforter thrown across Taeyong’s body.

 

Even with the love of his life lying next to him.

 

It’s the strong arm wrapping across his shoulders that stops him from shaking, in despair, in hopelessness. In tears a steady stream soaking the pillows. Hot breaths in his hair and a kiss behind his ear, but nothing seems to drown the feeling of her grip on his thumb, nothing seems tune out her soft cries ringing in his head.

 

“We can try again,” Johnny chokes, tightening his hold around Taeyong, his own tears coming down in streaks.

 

He’d been trying, trying so hard to stay strong for Taeyong.

 

The funeral may have passed in a blur, but Taeyong _saw_ it all.

 

The way his shoulders slumped standing by the entrance, the way his hands shook greeting the guests, the way his eyes glazed looking Taeyong’s way.

 

Maybe Taeyong isn’t the strong one, the level-headed one between the two. But he knows that isn’t what they need right now.

 

Each other is what they need, now, more than ever.

 

So he turns in Johnny’s hold, meeting his eyes and cupping his face. The regrets of pushing Johnny away all those days bare for him to see.

 

“I’m sorry, I acted like I was the only one hurting.” His words are almost a whisper, his lips trembling.

 

Johnny closes his eyes, turns his head a little to the right and kisses Taeyong’s palm. And then his forehead, before opening his eyes again.

 

Taeyong wants to scream, wants to stomp on the ground, wants to run to end of the world, far away from his husband. Because even after everything, Johnny still looks at him like he puts all the stars in the sky.

 

And it’s not fair.

 

Because as far as he knows, it’s Johnny who puts all the stars in _his_ sky, and makes sure they shine the brightest on his darkest nights.

 

Like this one.

 

“You went through it with me, but I didn’t do the same for you,” he manages in between sobs, squeezing his eyes shut. Because it feels like he doesn’t deserve Johnny looking at him like that.

 

“And for that, I’m sorry.”

 

The room falls silent, save for their muffled mewls and soft breathing.

 

Minutes later, Johnny is the first to speak, so quietly that Taeyong only catches it because his chest rumbles underneath his palms.

 

“I love you.”

 

Taeyong wants to sink further into the mattress, just as his heart sinks in his chest. He wants to strangle himself, wants to bang his head on the wall, wants to rip his own hair off, because what did he do to deserve this man at all?

 

But he chooses to do something else entirely.

 

And that is jerking his head forward, meeting Johnny’s lips with his own, with a kiss so slow yet so deep, that he’s only now realising that this is the first after so long.

 

How long has it been? Two weeks? Three?

 

He’d lost count, but he knows it’s long enough that he doesn’t deserve the warmth of Johnny’s lips against his.

 

They pull away, breathless. And Taeyong is crying again, thinking about how he could’ve lost his husband too if it was anyone else. So, he says the one thing on his mind.

 

“Thank you for staying with me.”

 

The weight he carried yesterday wasn’t in mass. It was all the self-blaming, the regrets, the ‘I could’ve saved her’. It was all the thank yous and i love yous, those that had been due throughout the past month.

 

But she’d touched their life. And for that, Taeyong is forever grateful.

 

“Rest in peace, my angel.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry if i broke your heart. I just needed to entertain my negative feelings. 
> 
> I hope you guys like it, though 💞


End file.
